It was exactly a year ago today that I miscarried our first pregnancy. I remember every single thing about that day.
What I was wearing.
My shopping trip to Trader Joe’s and the long, hot, walk home when I noticed my stomach was feeling crampy.
The call I made to my doctor’s office when I wiped blood.
The urgency in her voice advising me to come in first thing in the morning.
The loose nightie I put on to relieve the pressure from my gut. How I later threw away that nightie when I no longer could bare to look at it.
The call I made to my husband when I realized it was really happening.
The hours spent on the toilet.
The blood. The blood. The blood.
The look in my husband’s eyes when he pleaded me to “flush it down.”
The resistance I felt holding what was our tiny little life in my palm.
The shower I took after. The tears lost. The emptiness felt.
It has been one year and although so much has changed, the feeling of that day will remain in my present always. The what ifs and shoulda beens heal over time but cannot be erased. Miscarrying our hope and our hearts, was the single worst day of our lives up until this point.
365 days later I sit here, writing this, with one hand on my belly where a moving babe now resides. A babe with a strong heartbeat. A babe that is sprouting tiny hairs from his tiny head. A babe that can now hear us. A babe that in the next four months, we God willing, will welcome into our arms.
So today I cried for what I can’t promise will be the last time but then I chose to celebrate. A celebration that I can promise will be the first of many.
I celebrated the short time I had with our little one last year and the longer time I’ve had to be a mom to this one. My husband celebrated by buying the baby Belly Buds and we introduced him to his first song. It was beautiful. It was happening. It was light after the darkness.
And in that moment, as we remembered the year before and gazed down at the year ahead, we were happier than we’d ever been.
Wishing all on this journey the strength to overcome the worst days and the chance to celebrate the best. #InfertilityBlows